I was just checking my Facebook updates and found out that an ex- BFF (I know BF forever but just like Boyfriends and husbands, BFF’s too become ex) just got married. So I wished her luck and since she was online, we ended up chatting. She said she got married in January and she is still not comfortable as it was an arranged marriage, she’d met the guy only twice before the wedding. I ended the conversation saying just go with the flow and it will work out.
This conversation got me thinking again (most Indians go through this debate, in their minds) “Love Marriage Vs Arranged Marriage”. Not just in minds, most of us have participated in a formal (college debates, interviews etc) or an informal (with friends and family) debate on this topic. In my school days i.e. 90′s it was a shameful to have a love marriage. College days saw a drastic change; it was cool to have a love marriage. Whenever the debate arises, the opinions are highly polarized and often subjective.
Wise and concerned parents in order to meet the domestic obligation of a proper marriage, prepare themselves mentally and, more importantly, financially when their child reaches marriageable age. They search for a suitable partner keeping in mind the societal rules regarding cast, creed, natal chart, and financial and social status of the family. In most cases everything is matched but the actual compatibility of the boy and girl, their expectations from each other as life partners are topics which barely surface the minds of most parents. That is where the arranged marriages tend to fail.
It is like conducting an experiment with all the factors set right but forgetting to consider the compatibility of the two important chemicals.
1. If they are compatible, they might withstand the changes in the external environment leading to a successful reaction with a end product as a Happy Arranged Marriage!
2. If they are not at all compatible, it can result in an explosion leading to a Divorce.
3. If they are not so compatible, and if the pressure from the families is too high, it helps avoid a big explosion but leads into a number of smaller explosions over the period of marriage. Compromised Marriage!
The third case is most often seen around here in India, and the second case is seen to have gained much popularity over the last few years, especially in the big metropolitan cities and the first one being the rarest of all. I’m lucky to have known the rare species of the first group. This gives me the confidence to say that arranged marriages, are not all that bad.
The beauty of love marriages is the freedom of selecting a life partner according to one’s desires and needs. The intimacy between lovers helps in understanding each other, which in turn, helps in choosing a life partner for a harmonious relationship. There is something very valuable knowing that you were picked solely on your personality and connection with the person you in turn love and that strong bond has merit and can with stand any trauma or drama. Love marriages make the couple more responsible, unlike in many arranged marriages where the major decisions are still being made by parents. Love Marriages are definitely more preferable. But not fool proof, they also have the above there categories of the reactions, with a slightly different ratio of the three categories.
Marriage, it’s just a relationship between two adults which has a stamp of approval from the society, and love is something which is gradually developed with interaction, understanding, complementing each other’s weaknesses, supplementing each other’s strengths and being a shield of support. Attraction or romance doesn’t die for decades if these factors are given their due in the relationship.
Love towards a person is just one of the factors to marry the person. Love can propel the marriage for may be 5 or 10 years. After that there are more factors which come into play -security, comfort, support, understanding, humor, ability to resolve differences – from these factors, love automatically evolves which keeps the couple happy for the next half of the lifetime.
It is not the kind of marriage, that decides it’s the success or failure, but the kind of commitment the two people have to make it work in spite of all odds!!!